Perfectly Happy Mum

Father and Daughter, when all is left is rejection

 "Share a time when you felt a deep sense of rejection" This is a prompt for the writing workshop from Josie at Sleep is for the Weak. Although I know I am late to participate, when I read it, it instantly resonated deep within me. The feeling of rejection is too familiar to me. This feeling is sneaky and not spoken. If mentioned it is denied. I am wrong, I over analyse and this was never intended to make me feel like this.

My Dad rejected me. 

He didn’t leave the house when I was young, not like that. He was at home, but was never really there. He wouldn’t sit with me, read me a story, help with my homework or tell me I was pretty.

Instead he would tell me to stop eating chocolate or I would end up with a “fat ass”, which I did eventually. He would deny me the attention I was craving for and give it to others. These others were everyone but mainly my cousins, his students or strangers. Things would be taken away from me to be given to others, because you see what others would see in him would be more important and flattering to him. 

In his eyes nothing was more gratifying than a nephew who believed he was a hero because he was kind to him and made him laugh. That person didn’t know that at home he’d make me cry.

His friends' children loved telling me how lucky I was to have such a great dad. And it is true, out of the house he was amazing. My dad was gorgeous, charming and fun to be around. He would move mountains to help others.

My dad was an amazing teacher. Every time I attended his lessons, I was full of pride and admiration for this man who would manage to captivate his audience and gain respect as well as admiration. I was HIS daughter and proud to be. But things were different once in the confided space of our home. He would shut down, couldn’t stand noise and never talked to us. There were two people in this man and he couldn’t love us the way we wanted him to. I craved to be my daddy's princess but that never happened. 

He went through a lot in his life and no one taught him how to love, so he didn’t know how to love.

When I grew older and left home, my parents got divorced. It was the beginning of a long series of ugly fights and arguments. Some of them we got involved in. Then came even more rejection.

My dad decided not to talk to me for more than 5 years and when I sent him a letter to announce the birth of Elliott he never replied.

My sister who had also been out of touch for a while was talking to him back then. She quizzed him as to why he never replied and his answer was that I was no longer his daughter and therefore my baby wasn’t his grandchild.

It did hurt.

I thought I was done with the hurt and the guilt. I had moved on. It came back to hit me in the face then. How could someone who was sharing flesh and blood with me could say this? I was his child and I had just had one. I knew what loving your child meant and if he couldn’t love me, why?

Less than eighteen months later he did it again when Victor was born. Now not only he had rejected me, but he had now rejected both my children too.

I cried a lot…

Then one day a few months ago I received a call. It was him.

I was shocked but we talked as if we had last talked the week before.

I felt numb and disorientated. I had a new life and one that didn’t include him in it. As far as I was concerned my dad was gone for good.

We are slowly building a relationship that is completely different from the one we have ever had, but there is always the worry that he will let me down again, so I find it hard to allow myself to love him again… 

You are 3 years old today...

And I am not going to bore you with the same old story that says: “Exactly three years ago, right now at 8.35 AM, I was wide awake like a girl on class A drugs and Red Bull, because I was so excited to have given birth to the most gorgeous baby on the ward! In the UNIVERSE I mean!”

Fast forward to today and you are in front of me sitting on your bean bag arms crossed behind your head, watching the Scooby-doo DVD that your brother gave you for your birthday.

You are proudly wearing your “3 today!” badge and your hair is definitely far too long. Yesterday I tried to put a hair clip in your hair but you told me off for even thinking about it. The same way you tell me off for offering a pink plate and pink cutlery “THAT’S FOR GIRLS!” You are only 3 and you already think pink is for girls. What’s coming next? Ironing, cleaning and cooking is JUST for girls too?!

I look at your gorgeous little face and see the marks of the chickenpox you had a couple of weeks ago and the results of a nasty cold on your cheeks. How many time this week have I said “Do not wipe your nose with your sleeves!!”? So often that I am now saying it in my sleep!

I can’t wait for you to unwrap the coolest present ever. The one that is going to make your eyes pop and love us FOREVER… your first SCOOTER! You have been dreaming of this scooter and occasionally tried to borrow your school friend’s but without success. A scooter is not something you share that easily. But that’s OK because now you will have yours! We kept it from you right now, because we know that in a 3 years old mind you will want to ride it then and there and unfortunately Maman and Papa haven’t had the chance to upgrade to a bigger house yet.

You are so big now, and the proof is that Iggle Piggle has been replaced by Ben 10, Dinosaurs and Superheroes! I am not sure I can say if I like it or not, although I am quite glad not to be singing the Iggle Piggle song in the shower anymore.

We have started proper potty training this week and you are doing really well for someone who has a mother who doesn’t know what she is doing. I am very confused with all the advice around and how we should go about it, but you, you don’t care. “Whatever” is your attitude, “pants OR nappies, as long as I can watch Scooby-doo and play, life is good”.

One of your big milestone this year is when you started preschool. We both cried a bit but you now love it. You have friends and you make cakes and paint. Once again, in a 3 year old life this equals to having a blast, like the BEST LIFE EVER!

I wish I could bottle up that innocence and be able to give it back to you when life and all its worries hits you in the face… Unfortunately this is part of growing up and it has its really good sides to it. Probably the best one is that one day when you grow up (not before you are least 35 with a good career and a lovely wife your mum likes) you will have your own children and you will understand the depth and intensity of the love we have for both of you as well as the excitement to watch you grow everyday.

There are still some days when I look at you both and I am amazed that you are MINE! I feel pride, like when you are at school and you show off your new pen or new shoes, but a million times deeper.

I promise that from now on I will call you BIG boy but for this one last time: “I love you my little boy and I hope you will have a great birthday!”

Do you stay awake at the cinema?

When is the last time you saw a film at the cinema? Since having our first child three years ago, we have been three times... Three only! 

I love going to the cinema and I could go every week the problem is that it always turns into the biggest event which includes booking a babysitter, then making sure they are in bed before we leave and preferably asleep. If not Elliott turns his lovely smile into the biggest screaming fit. You know the kind that says "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!! Leaving me at home in my bed asleep, WITH A STRANGER, when you are away HAVING SOME FUN WITHOUT ME!!!". This usually results in me sitting at the cinema texting our babysitter every five minutes for the first hour asking 

"Is everything ok? Are they asleep yet?"

"And now are they sleeping?"

"Do you need us to come home? Because if you really need us to we will!"

Let's just say it exasperates everyone and the babysitter might tell me to go to hell the next time we need her. 

Anyway yesterday we went to see Avatar in 3D. The 3D experience was definitely great. The plot is very predictable. Actually if you've seen Pocahontas, you've seen Avatar:

The indians are the big blue "alien" people

The American Continent is Pandora planet

Pocahontas is Neytiri, the daughter of the chief of the warriors

John Smith is Jake Sully an ex marine 

The Colonial settlers are American GIs

The gold is the rare mineral on that planet

OH MY GOD this is Pocahontas!! 

Sorry if I have given away the story and if you were intending to see it soon. It is still worth seeing though, especially if you go to the 3D version. 3D came a long way I tell you, they even replaced the distasteful paper glasses with geeky-style plastic ones! 

Anyway despite all the action, the fast paced story, the popcorn and the sweets (lots of them) I still managed to fall asleep for a good 20 minutes of the film. In the last 3 films I saw in the last three years there is NOT ONE I stayed awake for the whole length of time... I am worried to turn into my Grandad who would start snoring within 5 minutes of the start of any TV programme...

So how about you? Do you manage to stay awake at the cinema? 

In order to assess scientifically the capacity of parents to stay awake in absence of their children, I have created that poll and ask you to be TOTALLY honest with me...  

Now vote! 

Why did my parents fight all the time?

When I was growing up my parents used to fight as bad as the neighbours next door and everytime they start fighting next door I can't help thinking of the 2 little boys growing up in that house. 

I remember the fights, the anxiety, the worry that they would hurt each other. I remember thinking "what is the point in being a couple and having children?" "what is the point of staying together in this sort of relationship...?" 

When I was about 12, I begged my mother to divorce my dad. I wanted them apart. I couldn't do what my sister was doing. She had that marvelous ability to switch off from the screams and the insults they were throwing at each other. She would pick her barbies and she would make up a world of love and fun with them. Most of the time I remember how she was trying to engage me into this world, but I was too worried and didn't want to miss a bit of the conversation. So I used to curl up on my bed and tried to listen as well as I could. Of course I heard things that children should never hear but I had to. Even now I am not sure why it was so important for me to hear the whole conversation. Maybe it was a way of being in control. Maybe it was a way of protecting them thinking that I could interfere if it ever became too bad... I am not sure... 

What I know is that I remember thinking "when I  grow up I want children, but I don't want a husband". So I used to dream that maybe I could marry someone like a long haul pilot. Yes that was my ideal man: the long travel, rarely there and probably the uniform... 

What I remember of my childhood was my mum crying regularly, always stressed and very short tempered with us. I used to hate how she would talk to us but I never stopped loving her. Now I know that was how she expressed her frustration. 

I had to grow up to understand why she never divorced and why she never did something to make it better. I used to think she was selfish for not wanting the best for us. Now I know she was doing what she thought was best for us. She wanted us to have our dad in our life but mostly she was petrified of not doing well enough for us on her own. 

Her relationship with my dad had completely knocked her confidence and her self esteem. and she believed she was nothing without a husband and a "proper married status". She was scared of being alone with 2 children. 

She divorced my dad after 28 years of marriage. She knew it would never get better or that they would never grow old together. I am not a person who dwells or regrets so my belief is that there was a reason for her to stay this long but I often wonder what it would have been like to grow up with parents who loved each other and who respected one another. And I also think of how much better her own life would have been if she had done something. 

I wish I could do something for the 2 little boys next door... 

If you are in abusive relationship, whether physical or psychological talk to someone, it can get better. You do not have to wait for years to get better. If you have children think about them too. Parents who stay together for the sake of their kids do more arm to themselves and the children than good. Don't feel guilty because you feel useless, you are not useless! If you feel like life is a black hole only YOU can find the torch to guide you to the light... 

What did you do on New Year's Eve?

So come on COME ON TELL ME!! What did you do for New Year's Eve? Fancy party? Night in? Night out? 

This year the Perfectly Happy family stayed all under one roof and it was ours. 

Every year, for the last 3 years, we have spent New Year's Eve with close friends at their house. We all have something in common: snotty pygmies who have decided that our social life would be banned for a few years (children that is). 

So we get together and show them that we can still have fun on alcohol free bubbly... ermm... 

Anyway this year as CHICKENPOX sneakily contaminated our home and our life, New Year's Eve was to be spent at home. 

It was probably best like this. After the previous nights spent one eye asleep, the other one WIDE AWAKE due to Victor refusing to let us sleep, I doubt we would have been great company. I am sure it would have looked sort of rude to go for a nap from 8 pm to 11.55 pm and then say "HAPPY NEW YEAR!! ... Now bye, see you later". 

So for our special night in we decided to go a bit crazy and ordered an Iiiindiaaaan... whoooooohoooo... Not our regular meal of course, or how would it be special? 

We had TWO starters instead of one, two new mains (NOT the usual ones) and TWO nans instead of one, with rice AND a side dish. We even threw in a LARGE glass of white wine! See totally special!

Delivery was in at 8 pm, food was eaten by 9 pm (we did take it slowlier in an attempt to make it even more special). By 9.30 pm I was snoring gracefully on the sofa...  

Craig gave me a nudge and took me to bed. I begged him to stay with me and we could watch telly together rather than be apart on NEW YEAR'S EVE! He reluctantly accepted knowing that I would be snoring again 10 min later and that he would have to watch his program on a TV with sound disability. Just a few weeks ago the bedroom TV sound (not even 2 years old yet) started playing up and you have to turn it on at least 30 min before watching it, to give it time to warm up... 

Anyway he stayed and I fell asleep. 

For some weird reasons though, I woke up to see the count down on Big Ben at 45 seconds. I sat down and counted down:  FIIIVE FOUUUUR THREEEEEEE TWOOOOOOOOO OOOOOONNNNNNNEEE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

I kissed Craig and went straight back to sleep. 

That was the perfect New Year' Eve. 

I have to admit that I have never ever been a fan of New Year's Eve parties. You generally spend far more that you can afford on a party where you will end up spending all night wondering what the heck you are doing there, watching people getting rat ass, vomiting in every corner of the room, wanting to be kissed at midnight... No thanks... 

I love the new ones spent with friends at their house, eating, watching the men drinking and have a great lie in while us women run around the house after the kids... why do I like these?! huumm... 

Anyway, this year I much prefered wearing my new slippers... 

  

Hope you had a great one and please tell me WHAT DID YOU DO?! 

Happy New Year!!

Thank you to all of you who follow the adventures of the Perfectly Happy Family. We can't be more grateful for your constant support and for those shared moments. Thank you for laughing with us and lending a friendly ear when needed. 

2009 has been an amazing year partly due to joining this generous bunch of people that you are! 

Let's make 2010 a brilliant year! Wishing you all a year of dreams fulfilled, of special moments that become cherished memories forever and lots of love and happiness! 

Song: Favourite Adventure by K's Choice

That thing called stage fright

A couple of weeks ago I was given this note from Elliott's Preschool:

"Please note that the school Nativity play will take place on Tuesday 08th of December at 11.30. Elliott will play a sheep... "

A SHEEP??!! My son a sheep! You must be joking! Surely he should at least be a Wise Man, if not Joseph.

How on earth was I going to make him look like a sheep. I am fairly crafty but there was a complete blank when I read "Please make sure he is wearing something white, black or brown" and forgot to add "and make it look like a sheep". Anyway, totally defeated a couple of days later we headed off to the shops to buy the sheep outfit.

In retrospective it wasn't such a good idea to go with him. All he wanted was the Transformer outfit or the Ben 10 pyjamas! How do they do that?! Do they mysteriously implant a trend detector at birth? Elliott has NEVER watched Ben 10 in his life, let alone Transformers!

Of course I can understand that a sheep looks pretty dull next to a Transformer, but he is not 3 yet so how can he have such a strong idea of what is cool and what is not. And who said a sheep is not cool? Ok I did.

I tried my best to make Timmy from Timmy Time sound EXTRA cool, like cooler than the coolest and all we had in return was a child rolling around, firing snot and spitting as if he was possessed! In the end the compromise was that he could have Scooby Doo socks BUT no Transformers Robot head, outfit or even Ben 10 Pyjamas. We finally managed to leave the shop with the sheep outfit tucked into a bag, thrown into the boot of the car, to be forgotten about until Tuesday.

That day he went to school as normal, completely oblivious that in his bag was resting THE sheep.

I dropped him off and as I left a wave of anxiety filled me. How was he going to react when his teacher was going make him wear the costume?

Two hours later Craig, Victor and I were back ready to give a proud round of applause to our actor.

As soon as we arrived, he spotted me. This is what happened next:

Uh uh he runs to me.
Uh uh he won't go back.
I try to persuade him to go back on the stage, but he won't.

OK let's not make a scene here, surely when it starts he will want to join.

It is going to start,still won't. 
It is starting. I start begging him to go back on stage.
He refuses, sits comfortably next to us to watch the show! Sh*t!

After a while he starts getting bored. I try to distract him and mention that maybe he could go back to the play and join his friends. Still a "NO!" so quite proud of myself I find something that might make him want to join. I point out the camel picture at the back of the stage and say "maybe you could go and catch it?".

YES I know that was utterly stupid!

The next minute he runs through the crowed and on the stage! People watch him as he appears from nowhere. He runs to the camel and try to jump AT it!

The teacher is there and catches him in his jump and for one split second (or probably longer if I am being honest) I wanted to get out of the room. I wanted to pretend I had never EVER met this kid in my life but I seem to remember seeing him at Tesco's one day, rolling around the floor. It was horrendous to watch, poor parents. Maybe it is time someone started controlling this child?! Actually deep down I was the proudest mum: my son had some amazing gut! I love this little boy and he was by far the cutest sheep!

Now would you have some good gossips to share from your children's Nativity plays?

Aaahhh Christmas...

So now it is no news that I love Christmas and this year is a very special and exciting one.

Not only this is the first with one of our children feeling that something fun is coming our way, but it is also the first time we are going to celebrate it in our home and our own way.

When John Lewis asked me to join a campaign on Rules for a Perfect Family Christmas, I was very happy to say "count me in!".

For as long as we've been together, Craig and I discussed our ideal Christmas and the one thing always highlighted was that we both wanted a stress and fuss free Christmas. Is it really possible? I am not really sure especially when a lot of people are involved and when everyone has got an idea of what Christmas means to them.

This year we want to make it the first of our own Christmas with our own rules and traditions.

Here are these rules:

Rule #1 - We want to make sure the boys understand what Christmas REALLY means and that it is not about acquiring the latest toy or have tons of toys at the bottom of the tree.

Rule #2 - Christmas is a time to share. Growing up and being in a religious school you will imagine that the emphasis on the charitable side of Christmas was quite big. I am happy to have learned that sharing and giving feels even better than receiving. I would love the boys to learn this too. I remember packing old toys in good condition to give them to charity before receiving new ones. I would like the boys to learn this too. It will start this year and from now on every year we will go through all the toys so the boys will choose what they want to give away.

Rule #3 - We used to have a nativity scene and baby Jesus was the last one to be put in place on the 24th before bedtime. I remember this being really exciting! It was finally THE time and day long waited for. I would like the boys to have a nativity scene by the tree to remind them what we are celebrating.

Rule #4 - Before bedtime on the 24th we will place our shoes or slippers at the bottom of the tree before bedtime, so Santa can tell where to put our presents. This is a tradition inherited from my family in France.

Rule #5 - In my family Christmas morning was usually really early and chaotic. We would usually wake up and go straight to the tree to discover all the presents we had received. Then we would wake our parents jumping on their bed and get their approval to go an open the presents. They would grab a coffee and watch us create carnage with the wrapping paper! Craig and I have agreed that we will do it slightly differently and respect some sort of order. Following the British tradition the boys will have stockings and this will be the first thing they will open. We will have breakfast and then open a couple of presents, in order to avoid them being totally overwhelmed. More presents will be kept to be open later on in the afternoon.

Rule #6 - Christmas meal will be prepared in a relaxed atmosphere. It will be completely forbidden to stress about anything. Food will be eaten when ready not at a set time.

Rule #7 - Our Christmas meal this year will not be the traditional turkey but a good and tender roast beef that we will preorder at our butcher round the corner. The trimming will be the traditional British ones. There will of course be canapes of foie gras and salmon and if we can source them easily, our starter will be snails in garlic butter (I am not French for no reason!).

Main Rule - for the rest of the day "Whatever you do, remember that this is a day to enjoy, not a day to try and stick to all the rules no matter what! Sometime having a flexible mind is the only way to really enjoy this special day".